The Day I Started Wearing My Irlen Spectual Filters

1/4/13 I have had the filters on for just a mere 2 days now and the improvement has been dramatic. I can read now with much more ease. In fact yesterday I was very sleep deprived and was able to get onto the computer and read. This is not something I could do in the past. The world looks more dimensional and there is a definite clarity in how things look. It is almost shocking to my brain to see the world so clearly. I wondered if there was a placebo effect since I have been anticipating the filters for so long. So I compared the filter glasses with my usual glasses. The comparison is drastic. I have been seeing objects as picture like somewhat flat. When I wear the filters, objects seem to pop out from the walls. I suddenly could see the clock on the wall pop out. I am starting to see spatial relationships of objects. I spent most of yesterday gazing at my apartment. My world looks so different. I also went shopping at Sam’s club. Being sleep deprived this is not a good idea. I usually become very agitated and usually make the shopping experience a short trip. Yesterday was amazing. I was comfortable even though I knew the bright lights above me always hurt my eyes. My husband commented that I seemed more relaxed than usual and not so high strung. In fact he says that I can be very high strung at times. I guess I never realized this and I will tell you why. I am very calm despite the fact that lights really bother brain causing great anxiety. Half the time I have to restrain my emotions because I just want to cry out that I just can’t take it anymore. I know that I am taking great energy to remain at a level to cope and it may come out as high strung but I can assure that it the real emotions came out it would be a lot worse. Anyway the Sam’s club experience was not very stressful at all and I felt like my energy was not drained. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Work was a little easier as well. It just seemed like routine tasks are just a little bit easier. In fact I can actually see the placement of objects in front of me. It is hard to explain this but I could not judge their placement. It was always a guessing game before. I always thought I knew where the objects would be but I would be slightly off and end up knocking down the glass, etc. There is a clarity that was never there before and life just seems a little easier. I still see the swirling lines but somehow my brain is starting to ease a little. I guess time will tell this week. More to come. 1/7/13 The clarity is unbelievable. Shopped at Walmart today with much ease. I can shop faster because I can see the products much easier. It seemed less effort to see everything around me. Driving seemed effortless. So much for the placebo effect! My life is changing rapidly. I feel much at ease. Anxiety has decreased and my energy levels have increased. I paid my bills online this morning on the computer with little stress. I still see moving lines in my vision but I can focus more. I keep wondering if all this is real but I can assure you it is very surreal. Today I feel much closure in knowing that my irlen condition is very real. When I did the assessment back in October, I felt the filters gave instant relief. There was the waiting period until just 3 days ago. The agony of this was horrible. Knowing there was a solution by the filters was just one step away. Today I realize more of what I was experiencing and am grateful that I found a solution. I have spent the last 46 years expending energy into trying to compensate for my lack of perception. Every task that I did took mountains of effort. Today I could see exactly what products I needed on the shelf without looking a bazillion times. It took one glance. To those who see normally, this makes no sense. To me it means that life is going to get so much easier. My memory is increasing as well. When you don’t have to spend energy focusing then the brain has more time to process other information. When I read, I have to remind myself to slow down because I am used to speed reading. Now I can see all the words. My reading will take time to transition. I am motivated to continue making observations on my progress and realize that I have a goal to become an irlen screener. If I ever wondered what career would suite me this would be it. What better screener for irlen but one who has experienced it. I look forward to each day. My depression has been lifted in ways that medication could never touch. I am Cindy and I have irlen syndrome. More to come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1/12/13 Today is even more amazing. I opened a book today and the clarity of the words just made me cry out in joyous relief. The words are becoming more clear and concise. In fact I tried writing today and it felt odd because I knew exactly how to place my letters. Before I always wrote uneven and at times I didn’t understand why I would start writing crooked. Today I realized that I write big because it was easier to read the letters and I could hide the fact that I can’t place the letters concisely. I felt the urge today to change my writing style to smaller size. I guess this is another transition that needs to take place. Driving today was so easy that I can actually start enjoying the scenery around me. I drove past a house that I have visited many times because I did not recognize it. I have never looked at it in its entirety. What an odd concept. I don’t have to glance a bazillion times to look for traffic and when I took a left turn I could anticipate exactly where to take the turn. It was always a guessing game before that caused great anxiety while driving. I actually took the long road home because I was enjoying driving so much. I came home and jumped on the computer. My eyes are not tired today despite all of this. I should be very fatigued by now and my energy is amazing. My dizziness and lightheadness have been non-existant. In fact today I noticed that my appetite has decreased dramatically. I always thought I had low blood sugar because I had to eat every 2 hours to keep from getting lightheaded. Today I didn’t want to eat breakfast which is highly unusual. I usually have to eat to feel good in my day. Can you imagine that the filters are acting as an appetite suppressant? AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2/11/13 I think the effects of the filters have tapped out for a short time. It is hard to tell how my energy levels are since I have a tooth infection but I still feel more at ease. Sometimes I think that I am still expecting way too much from the filters. Reading and driving is so much easier but I still see the squiggly lines in my vision. This may take time and overlays to overcome. This is another piece of the puzzle that remains. It is clear that I still have night vision problems that may be related to an eye issue. My anxiety has decreased and things don’t bother me quite as much. There is much closure in my mind. I now know that my irlen syndrome has fallen through the cracks over the years. I have been tested for a reading disability in the past during my college years but the results showed that I have great reading skills. The thing is could those skills been much greater than anticipated. I don’t have to work so hard now to look for objects or information. If I spent so much time trying to organize information instead of showing what my “true”ability is then what would be the end result. I guess time will tell on how the filters impact my life now. Sometimes I put the old glasses on and it feels so uncomfortable. The comparison is becoming less evident since my brain is starting to see much differently now. I still spend much time gazing at objects in my environment since I see a whole different world. When I explain this process to others they just can’t seem to understand. Who would? I wish there were glasses that would exhibit the world I saw for 46 years. The overall consensus is that my glasses are cool. I could imagine at a young age I might be self-conscious about how they look. But honestly at my age it just doesn’t matter. I just don’t care. Besides I have been made fun of most of life for having a crossed eye that glasses don’t mean a thing. I was proud today to inform my dentist my glasses where irlen filters. He had no clue what I meant and you know that’s okay. 2/14/13 Went with a friend to a lecture on the benefits on vision therapy. Just thought I would gain some insight into other solutions for perceptual disorders. What I did gain from the lecture was the consensus that irlen filters have a reputation of being a quick fix that in her terms is just a “band aide” for the real issues. I was told that there is no proven research to verify the claims and basically that Helen Irlen was not qualified to come out with these claims. I was told the filters would stop working at some point and I would be back to square one. She did admit that she had no explanation of why the filters were working so well. Whatever the case, I do believe that vision therapy is very effective and feel once again that I have fallen through the cracks once again. This was never an option for me. So much time was spent on diagnosing some kind of eye condition that I was not referred to the appropriate source. And of course there is no funding that can help with vision therapy. This has left me heartbroken again. But I am not giving up on the irlen filters. I DON’T CARE WHAT THE !@#%% RESEARCH SAYS, THERE ARE A REASON WHY THESE FILTERS ARE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My brain is the one that choose these lenses. Why would I buy into something that doesn’t work. In Helen Irlens book , “Reading By the Colors” I can relate to every aspect of book. I do believe there is much research that needs to done but in the meantime I am going to enjoy my filters and stay focused on what I know. And what does it hurt to use filters as a tool. It is a simple tool that is does not require invasive eye surgery or costly therapy. 2/15/13 Talked to my diagnostician today and I feel much more at ease. She gave me the confirmation that I needed. She is right though, there are others out there like myself that really need these lenses and may be detoured by someone who doesn’t even give the lenses a chance. Today I am sitting at my computer without my lamp on for light and I can see the screen clearly. Usually I need the light to see the keyboard. It is clear that my night and dim light vision is improving. I probably could of drove last night because somehow it seems like a flashlight was turned on and I can see better at night. It was amazing. You see I have not been able to drive at night for almost 4 years. I lived in a big city 4 years ago and driving at night was like playing Russian roulette (literally). The thing is there is a definite difference made in wearing these filters. If I was not sensitive to light why the hell would these filters be working. I am wearing the same prescription and only the filters have been added. There is something here that the vision therapist I spoke with just doesn’t quite understand. My friends and family have commented how my balance has improved and I notice little details that I usually don’t notice. They also noticed just how relaxed I have become. Driving in everyday traffic caused so much anxiety and sometimes when I was overtired I just couldn’t drive. I can read on the computer no matter how tired I am. My daughter is even more relaxed around me. I am losing sleep because I am so excited about the results. Life is just so much easier. Today I celebrate my 46th birthday and I look forward to what this year brings. My life is going to change so much this year. Share more of this wondrous journey. 2/26/13 I am definitely easing into my filters. It seems like I have forgotten what it was like pre-filter. I have not worn my contacts once. Many people seem to think that my glasses are a fashion statement. I hope that my glasses become an icon in the community. Sometimes I want to doubt the effects of the lenses. I still experience symptoms of irlen especially on really bright days. I understand that the lenses are not a cure but they are a tool in making my life just a little bit easier. Sometimes it is not easy to read. But my span of reading is much larger. I understand that it will take some time to ease my brain since I have been under visual stress for almost 46-years. What I can tell you is that my anxiety has decreased tremendously. I have thought about weaning off the paxil but I don’t want to cause too many changes at once. I have decreased the dosage and once again I am experiencing withdrawal. If anyone has been on paxil the withdrawal is extremely uncomfortable. In the meantime I am enjoying the decrease in anxiety and I don’t feel the depression anymore. Part of this is due to the fact that I have found an answer to my visual problems, it provides much closure. Now I can focus on healing and understanding. I have been given so much support in the last few months. I feel content and very blessed!!!! March 3, 2012 I have been feeling so comfortable in my filters lately that I wanted to test them. I took off my glasses and wore my contacts. This experiment only lasted one hour because I could not stand not wearing them. The lights of traffic lights were unbearable and I felt completely off balance. My mind starting racing while I was on my work shift. Just a little reminder that the filters do work. I keep thinking that it is all in my mind but I can assure you this is not the case. My mind is at ease with the filters and I know understand just how much my mind was affected by the visual stress. I am going to get ready to look for a new job in the next month. I still understand that I still will have challenges working under bright lights. But at least I know that my ability to cope has restored. The lenses have given me this hope. March 11, 2012 It is snowing tonight and I just realized something. My husband was driving me home from work and the falling snow on the windshield was distracting. He mentioned that it was hard to stay focused on the road. Then it occured to me that this was how I had felt dealing with irlen syndrome. Your focus is on the road or object but there is distractions in the field of vision such as moving lines and vibrations. I stated that this is exactly how it feels to have irlen syndorme. If only I could just focus on the task on hand without all the distortions, it would be so much easier. I think he finially understood just how taxing irlen syndrome can be. Today I am thankful for my filters. Today I also realized that my mind still has some really bad habits. I still am prompted to scan things too quickly to find information. I have been trained to do so to compensate for my lack of perceptual vision. I now realize that I need to settle down and focus on the information in front of me. I assuming this will take time. A lifetime of habits cannot be overcome overnight and because of the filters, I do have time to review information. Perfection is not the key at this point and I place too much emphasis on getting the information right. Even normal sighted people make mistakes. March 25, 2013 I came to another realization. My husband just pointed out to me that I have no bruises on my arms. This is unusual. i think people thought I was abused because I would continually show bruises on my arms. This is not the case. i just was unable to judge distances from objects and no longer bump into objects. I can even judge distances on my left side(my blind side) with a quick glance. This is absolutely amazing to me. April 23, 2013 Lenses are a big part of my life now. I never take them off. I am considering contacts because at times I would rather not wear glasses. I noticed that i have changed much in the process. Things are so much easier now that I am becoming bored. As a stay at home mother, I now need more tasks to challenge my mind. So much time was spent on compensating in the past that now I need new challanges. I remember so much more now and feel that i can focus on much more. This is amazing to me. I drive everyday with little anxiety. One year ago, before my irlen assessment, I was ready to apply for disability and claim defeat. Today I celebrate my new ability to face challenges in my future. Today I move forward with new abilities. April 30, 2013 Spent the day outside in bright sunlight. The days are more bright now since the spring season is here. After spending time in the sun, I visited an indoor event that had many bright and colorful lights. I noticed that my irlen symptoms kicked in and I was off balance. Then I experienced a massive migraine that left me very fatigued. It seems that although the filters have helped ease my symptoms, I am still vulerunable to bright light. I am concerned since I will be spending much time outdoors in the summer months. I have sent a e-mail to my diagnostician, Bonnie Bartels and I hope that she can offer some suggestions. I have heard of other's suffering from irlen using two sets of glasses. Since i have such a severe case, I may have to take this as the next step. May, 13, 2013 Something just happened in the last week. After a mere 5 months of wearing the irlen filters, my sleep has suddenly become easier. As an experiment, I stopped taking my sleep med trazadone which I have been taking for the last 10 plus years. I now sleep deeper than I have in so many years. I feel a need to hibernate and sleep for days. This is so unfamiliar to me since I have had sleep problems most of my life. I remember at one point, I visited a sleep clinic where i was given bright light therapy every morning. Can you imagine how that would greatly impact irlen syndrome? Needless to say, my sleep problems continued to get worse. I have been depending on sleep medications to get to sleep and stay asleep since this experience. Today I sleep so deeply that my body wants to sleep to recover from all those years. I wonder what the results will be six months for now. With restful sleep the brain will have the ability to restore itself on a greater level. My mind does not race endlessly anymore. The silence in my mind is also unfamiliar. I can focus on the moment. Only one that has irlen syndrome would understand this concept. I have mellowed quite a bit these days and I wonder how this will change me over time. May 31, 2013 My mind has been very quiet lately and I wonder what happened to my old brain. This seems like a odd concept but I miss the old brain that was crazy with thoughts. The silence is unfamiliar to me and I can sit and focus on anything with little distraction. I have started to ease on my paxil dosage and my sleep seems to be stable. This is something that is incredible because I have relied so much on medication to ease both sleep and anxiety. A friend of mine said I seem to be at more ease and she mentioned that usually I seem very stressed in our conversations. Sometimes I worry that I will seem boring to others since I don't seem to be "high strung". I have lived on a very high anxiety/stress level for most of my life. Somehow I have compensated on this level to get things done. Now everyday tasks are much easier and I need more challenges in my life. You would think that I would be comfortable with this state of mind, but I think this is just a transition. Now I seek new challenges. I now realize this is another step towards my understanding as an irlen screener for others who very well go through the same. June 22, 2013 I am now working through withdrawal of paxil which I have been taking for 15 years for anxiety. The process has been difficult but somehow is easier this time around. I had to wean off paxil when I was pregnant with my daughter and the withdrawal was almost unbearable. However, this time I am able to work and continue with normal activity. The irlen symptoms have surfaced again on some days but I know this will ease over time. I understand that irlen can resurface when there is significant changes in the body. I wonder if this will affect the color of my filters at this point in time. I have a follow up screening in July so it will be interesting to see if I need a different color. This is another piece of the puzzle. My brain remains to be calm despite the withdrawal affects and some anxiety has resurfaced. It is apparent that I am not needing paxil anymore since I can still function. I am looking forward to living paxil free and learning to manage life in different way. August 13, 2013 It has been sometime since I wrote my last entry. So much has happened during the last month. I did get a 2nd evaluation from Bonnie Bartels. I do need a 4th color added to my lenses. I have been off the paxil for almost 3 months now ( I am sleeping regularly now) and this has impacted the effects of my filters. I am also ordering contacts as well. Bonnie says the contacts will make more of an impact since all the lighting will be filtered out. I am looking forward to finding out how much of a change this will make. The lenses still ease my mind. Every so often I do take off the glasses and wear my regular contacts. I cannot wear them long due to the strain on my eyes. It amazes me how I managed to get through my life without the filters. Then I realize that I did not know any different. The world I saw was what was normal to me. I had another appointment with the eye doctor to find the right contact that could be used to filter. It was apparent that this particular doctor was aware of Irlen Syndrome but didn’t necessarily understand the importance of the filters. It seemed she was tolerant of them. She seemed more concerned that I complete a full eye exam on my right eye than to take care of the need for a new filter. She had a valid concern and I understand that I need to have regular exams each year. But since my last eye exam which was a little over a year ago (and is required before obtaining a screening for irlen) nothing in my eye has changed. I had explained that I need to save my funds for the irlen filters before I could pay for a full eye exam. I was going to make my appointment for a glaucoma check instead for my left eye. She was not happy with my answer and proceeded to explain to me there is no point if something happens to my right eye. Really???? Honestly, there is no point in seeing without my filters. Again there is so much misunderstanding regarding irlen syndrome. In the meantime I am in search of one who may have an understanding. I will no longer tolerate a closed mind. August 21, 2013 I have been recently trained as an irlen screener. The workshop was a two-day event and I learned so much of myself those two days. The training was so informative. Bonnie has always been a great source of information and inspiration for me. I noticed that while I was practicing the testing of irlen that my symptoms are still there (nothing like the beginning) and I am in need of the fourth color of blue to be added. I have ordered contacts that will include the fourth color. Bonnie informed me that the contacts will block out more since light can enter the side of my glasses. I look forward in experiencing the results of this change. I I have been reading the book “The Irlen Revolution” on my e-reader and I feel like Helen Irlen has been in my head. There are points that hit hard emotionally because I have experienced the same. So much understanding is given in this book. The kind of understanding that I have needed desperately over the years. One point in the book states “Remember, people who have light sensitivity are under constant chronic stress unless their eyes are closed. Those with severe light sensitivity will eventually pay a price, just as anyone suffering from ongoing stress would” This is so true. I have always felt that I was running on high gear event when there was little stress. I was so frustrated by this fact and also wondered how others could function so well in comparison. I came to the conclusion that I was the one at fault. I have spent so much time trying to find the answer over the years. I have been treated separately for each of my irlen symptoms. My question is “What are the long term effects of untreated irlen?” I can tell you that my symptoms have been steadily getting worse over time. To the point that I was going to claim defeat and apply for disability. I always explained to my husband that life would actually be better if I just couldn’t see or just simply put – BLIND! 9-27-13 Received my new contact lenses with new filter. I put them on once more and the result again was amazing. I reached one more level of depth perception. I need to to buy some reading glasses to complement since I wear bifocals. I am going to log my progress with the contact lenses as well. Things have been kind of rocky lately. I think my expectations of the lenses has been too high. One aspect that continues to bother me is that nobody seems to notice changes in me since I have worn my filters. My husband claims he notices but everyone else seems to think I am the normal self. This is amazing to my since I have felt so many changes internally. There has been a conflict inside of me. The person I thought I was and now the person I seem to understand. I notice that one of the ways I have compensated all these years is the façade that I seem to have it put together. This has never been the case. My brain has been in turmoil for all my life and I have work so hard to make it seem like this is not the case. Therefore everyone looks at me as someone who is levelheaded and good sense of self. That is not me at all. So lately I have brought out thoughts of the real me and the reaction from others is that I seem rebellious. I guess I am rebelling somewhat. I am rebelling against the person that people perceive me to be to the person I am now. I think on a whole different wavelength and who wouldn’t with a faulty perception. The perception is mine and I feel compelled to voice this verbally now challenging all beliefs. Maybe after all this is the person underneath that has been hidden all these years. Accept me for who I am now or forever hold your peace. That is the mantra of my new identity. I think this is the acceptance phase of my journey with irlen. Its been a long journey but its time now for me to help others. This is what I strive for. If I could prevent one person from the journey I have indured, I will be fulfilled. 10-23-13 My contact lenses with the new filter have calmed my brain even more. I can literally sit here and think of nothing. I could never do this in the past. My brain went a thousand miles per hour and never stopped. This is the reason I could not sleep. I am getting used to the calmness of my brain and accepting of who I am now. I am not the crazy, scatterbrain person I used to be. It is still funny how others still have not noticed this change. I hid my comfortableness for so long that others don’t know the difference. I know the difference internally and I feel so different now. The changes are dramatic. I seem to be more organized at tasks and seem to be out of sorts when things are out of order. It seems since my brain is no longer focused on other things, I can cue in to things of the moment. That’s it!! I am in the moment. I am in the here and now and not on some other plane of thinking. Therefore I have become focused on the tasks on hand and seem obsessed by them. I have become somewhat anal in the routine of my life. I must be on time and have every detail in order seems to be the challenge of my day instead of trying to compensate for my lack of perception. Is this the real person underneath the barrier of irlen. I rebelled against perfectionism and now I strive to achieve this affliction. This is a conflict within myself now. I hope that this will balance out. December 22, 2013 It has been almost a year now since I received my filers. The impact of the filters has been beyond words. The quality of my life has been restored. I am getting used to my old brain and I am learning so much differently now. I noticed that I don't have to constantly look back at information for accuracy. I noticed that at work, I am no longer the one who screws up paperwork and forgets little important details. I no longer stand out, I just blend in with my co-workers. In fact I notice details that others miss and I feel much satisfaction in helping in those details. I did not have this ability one year ago. I will be working as a substitute teacher next year and I feel at ease knowing that the lights with not affect my job performance. I cant remember the last time I had a migraine. I work on the computer with ease and little eye strain. I can accomplish so many tasks during the day. I am now a morning person (I have been a night owl all my life) and at night I no longer rely on medication for sleep or mood. I have been off paxil for almost six months now. I now exercise regularly to deal with the stress and anxieties of life. I have lost 20lbs because I am not dealing with the cravings cause by visual stress. The elimination of weight gaining medications have helped as well. And most of all, my self-esteem has been restored. Noone can ever tell me that Irlen Syndrome does not exist. I hope this journal is beneficial to others in some way. If you have Irlen, you will understand my entries. I am glad I keep a record. Often times I forget what it was like pre-filter. My brain is so different now. Which proves that Irlen is not a vision problem but a brain processing problem. I am now a certified Irlen Screener. All those years struggling will now be rewarded. For each person that I can impact and prevent from all the struggles I have had, a little part of me will be healed

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